11 things I’ve learned by the age of 25

Grandpa used to say “ We spend our lives learning, and when we reach the end, we still haven’t learnt enough. But going through life without learning anything is one sad waste of beautiful turmoil.” When he passed, I stole books from his library, as a promise I’ll learn as much as I can.

This is a list of stuff I’m glad I learnt by 25. (For posterity.)

1. Nothing you do will change people unless they want to change themselves.

This saves time and emotional energy, and it applies to both people you know & love, and strangers.

2. People who are happy with themselves don’t belittle others.

Making fun of others or being rude to someone almost always signifies a lack of empathy and love for one’s own person. That one guy you know to be insufferable (you know just the one) is definitely struggling to accept his shortcomings. Projection (in this case) is a cry for help. Be kind.

3. The one way to stop hating, fearing, or resenting someone is simply getting to know them deeply.

Where were they raised? How did their mom call them when she was angry? What do they fear most? Why do they have that little obsession with detail you simply hate so much? Behind every image we label lies a person precisely as complex as we are. Understanding disarms — you & others.

4. Tell your own story. Loudly and clearly.

If you’ve seen Hamilton (the musical), there’s a specific song that will come to you just about now. It goes “You have no control — who lives, who dies, who tells your story”. I’ve been intrigued about this ever since. Who will tell our story? Is it people who loved us? Did they even know us? Imagine what your story would be if told by your grandma.

Mara in her wisdom once said to me (during one of my spiraling moments of existential dread triggered by this question) that she’ll do everything in her power to tell her own story so loudly and clearly, no other versions would prevail. And I believe we all should. Nobody knows us as we do.

5. Stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be.

Of course, it hurts, but everyone is here to live their own story, by their own rules. We’re all in different stages of our lives, we all have principles we won’t kick and desire to fulfill for our own wellbeing (or even against it). You don’t own anyone’s narrative. Let that crush go, let your sister be who she is, accept people for who they are and what they want, try to empathetically understand their position, too (but don’t let them step over you).

6. You’ll probably try many times until getting it right.

We’re pretty dumb and learning takes time and a f%#load of trial-and-error. Your best bet is to roll up your sleeves and do it. Fall, get hurt, clean your knees, take a deep breath and then do it again. Maybe differently.

7. Have high standards for friends. Really. I mean it.

This will sound harsh, but if it drains you, it’s not worth it. Leave. Be clear about your standards. And provide accordingly. I’ve had this talk with a friend recently, and they said: “I get what you’re saying, but that’s so hard to apply in real life, how the hell could you ever tell when a friendship is toxic before it goes really bad?”. Here’s my shortlist of questions that will most definitely cut it.

• do they cheer loudly for your achievements or make lowkey mean jokes about them?
• does it always feel like a competition between you or do they push hard for your success?
• are gossip & the business of others the basis of your friendship?
• do you feel energized after spending time with them?
• can you truly be vulnerable around them? (cry worthy material)
• do you fear angering them? are you holding back your opinions?
• does it feel like a responsibility? is it tiring to simply spend time?
• do you still have fun when sober and/or tired?

And this applies to relationships, too. It might feel lonely at times, but whoever checks the green boxes will empower your growth tenfold. I’ve got but 6 such people in my life and it feels like being part of an army of superheroes. It’s worth it.

8. Don’t try to be happy at all times. Feel your feels.

It’s unrealistic and downright unhealthy to always chase the high. Spend time without distractions. Eat in silence, let your worrying, dark, sad, angry thoughts unfold without trying to kick them away. Face what you’re feeling, find roots for discomfort, accept it, integrate it, forgive it, move on. It builds discipline and compassion towards your own self. Which leads me straight to

9. Take yourself on dates

Be there for yourself like a real friend would. Go back to the questions above and see how you do with yourself. Love the f&$*er in the mirror, you’re trying your best. All the time. Give yourself a break, love yourself a little. Learn to say no, take days off just to relax.

10. Find something worth fighting for

and give it your best. Invest your passion into something which makes your heart feel light. Find something that gives you purpose, power, and drive. Build something, leave your mark, submerge yourself into it.

11. Life’s a party

Don’t take it too seriously. People come, people go, there’s chaos, laughter if you spend it with the right people, we overdo it, underdo it, we look silly most of the time, nobody actually knows what they’re doing and it ends too fast. But do take pictures to remind you of stuff you’ll forget. Enjoy everything. All of it, bit by bit. And love. A lot. It’s worth it.

Bonus — 12. The best gifts in life are moments.